How I Live With Adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) [Time Stamped]

Key Takeaways

I have an issue where I don't even know I am doing these things. I don't even know I have this behavior. I'm not sure this this might be like some obsessive-compulsive thing if I even have that or a presentation of that. I don't know. But I'm just going to say it's probably related to uh fidgeting and ADHD. But I bite my nails. Not just like, "Oh, yeah, but bite a little bit, you know, trim it down." No, I bite my nails until they bleed. Like I can't help it. Welcome back, everyone. If you're new here, my name is Brian Jenks, and on this channel we talk about all things programming, tech, and data analytics. But today, we're not going to be talking about those things. Today, I actually wanted to talk a little bit about a condition that I and many other people have. The condition is called ADHD or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. It's been a a very interesting ride, to say the least. So, this is going to be a long ride, so I will put timestamps below, and if you want to jump around, that's fine. Um those will be available to you. And uh yeah, prepare to be distracted by shiny objects and squirrels. So, I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2008. So, I was actually 16. Now, originally, I was actually going to therapy for some other issues like depression and um I think I had anger management issues, too. But really, what all of those were from and what they were actually instigated by was my ADHD and a lot of things that are related to that. So, I actually received an actual official medical from a doctor diagnosis in 2008. So, I'm not just, you know, self-saying that I have this condition. No, I actually have the medical diagnosis, and I've been on medication for this before. So, living with ADHD, I never really thought about it as being, you know, anything other than my normal because it is my normal. I live with it every single day, and it's just what I've always lived with. But, when I really started looking at it closely and like really putting it under the microscope, seeing about how I acted, how I'm different, how I uh react to stimuli and impulses, and just my behavior in general, and really started trying to analyze my behavior, it really became apparent exactly how this condition or this disorder affects me. I've never made anything like this before because I honestly don't really like the whole idea of I'm making this as a cop-out for like I can do dumb things, I can act stupid, and just get away with stuff because I can say, "Ah, it's because of that." I don't like that. I really hated ever the idea of using this as an excuse for anything. Um but, what I'm coming to terms with now because uh I've been with my my girlfriend for almost I think we're going on 4 years now, and this has been like the my longest relationship because ADHD in relationships, god, it's difficult. But, she's actually been with me for 4 years, it's the longest relationship I've ever had, and I really had to pay attention and work on myself to make this work. And with that, a lot of issues and things have come up where I actually really need to look at why am I this way? What and explain this like, "Hey, I'm not just doing this because, you know, I'm a I'm a jerk. Um it's like, oh, no, this is the outcome of my behavior, and I am sorry that that was the outcome of my behavior, and you know, I'm going to try and do better on that." But, here's why I acted that way. So, I don't I tried now to not use it as an excuse, but as an explanation of, "Okay, I acted dumb, and I did something really stupid. You were hurt, I'm upset, things are bad. Okay, I'm sorry that this was the outcome, and that your feelings were hurt, and that I caused this this thing to occur, I do have a legitimate apology. I am sorry. Now, now that we have acknowledged that feelings were hurt and I have apologized for them, let's analyze why this has actually occurred and put this under the microscope. And that's when I explain, this is how I thought about it, this is why I acted, this is how I acted, and we we look at this together and it's really been a really positive growing experience for both of us. So, let's get into the weeds on this and let's really talk about it. I'm going to have timestamps for all this stuff below because this is going to be a long video. It's it's a long topic I've I've thought a lot about about a lot about over the years. And uh I know most people are probably going to click away really really soon. So, if you wanted to go to a specific part, feel free. Um I will put those below for you. So, what is ADHD? ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. It is a disorder that is comprised of three main presentations: impulsivity, hyperactivity, and inattention. ADHD is one of the most researched mental disorders out there and it actually has measurable differences in the brain compared to neurotypicals. It is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects a large amount of people across the world. Now, attention deficit is not really a good description of the disorder. It's not that I have a lack of attention and it's not that people with ADHD in general have a lack of attention. It's just that we have issues regulating attention. For instance, you could be, you know, you just get home from school, you got to study your homework, you got to do homework for a couple hours, but you're really not interested in homework. Homework doesn't like really put fire in your soul. You're not really passionate or interested about homework. So, what do you do? You can't for the life of you sit down and just do your homework. It's like the least interesting thing to you. You would rather do anything in the world but that one thing that you have to be doing right now. That is one example of the polar spectrum. The other a polar end of the spectrum is "Oh, I really like this game. I really love playing this game. I'm going to play this game and I'm going to play it for 12 hours straight without sleeping, eating, or going anywhere. I'm just going to sit here and enjoy and play this game and I'm so into it I can't even be distracted by anything." So, what I really just described is just the issues of you can't focus on something that you actually have to do, whether you want to do it or not. And with homework, it's like, "Okay, you got to do your homework." Like, you just know you have to do it. So, yeah, you're not like super interested or passionate about it, but you know you have to do it so you want to do it because you want to be responsible. So, even if you want to do it, sometimes it's like you just can't. You just can't make yourself do the thing that you're just trying to do. The other end is that you have too much. Like, you are hyperfocused on something. And with hyperfocus, this is something that, you know, in some cases people actually put it to good use. I actually put this to good use a lot with my work. I am I work with a lot with code and programming and software. So, thinking and conceptualizing about all these puzzle pieces and things fitting together and writing code and the logic of it and getting really deep into these puzzles and these uh code bases, it's really, really good for me to actually have the ability to focus hard and for a long duration on what I'm doing. So, some people can actually get a really good use out of this and it's kind of like a really, really useful tool. But, it's a double-edged sword because what if it's something that you're not interested in? Or what if you need to be doing something else as a priority and then come back to this to this project? Good luck moving your attention. Sometimes it's really, really difficult. A common metaphor I see all over the place for this is that somebody else has the remote control and you're watching TV and they could either be flipping through 30 channels nonstop and you can't control it or it's stuck on one channel and they still have the remote. So, either it's everywhere or it's on one thing and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it. And the sad thing is, sometimes you want to do the thing, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. I suffer from that a lot. A lot of times like I want to shoot some YouTube videos, I want to work on this project of mine. I know I need to be studying for my exams and 8 hours later for some some reason, somehow, some way, it didn't happen. Because I was doing other things. I got oh, got to do that. Got pulled into something else. It's It That's how It's just what happens. So, where does this issue with attention regulation stem from? It happens to occur that we, as people with ADHD, have an issue with the use and metabolization of neurotransmitters, specifically dopamine and norepinephrine. And in a lot of cases, a lot of us will self-medicate with stimulants like coffee, caffeine, energy drinks. And sometimes this helps a little bit, but what we lack and have an issue with is producing and metabolizing these neurotransmitters. It's an actually measurable difference in our brains compared to people who are neurotypical. Now, thankfully, ADHD is a disorder that actually can be treated and there are some very effective treatments. Uh if I remember correctly, I think it's like 80% of people who go on medication for ADHD have some sort of positive outcome. There are a variety of different types of medications. I've been on two specific medications for ADHD. Um specifically in the methylphenidate categories, I've been on Ritalin and Concerta. And they, you know, worked for me pretty decently when I was in high school. I have since been off of them since high school because I was trying to join the Marine Corps at the time and I had to be off of the medication for as long as I'd been on it, which was about 2 years. And after, you know, 2 years, I was no longer interested in joining, and I just never restarted back up. I'm looking back into it now because it's it might actually help me with some issues that I'm struggling with these days, and maybe it might be the thing that helps. So, what's my story of how I got my diagnosis and how we found out that I had this disorder and what it was what was the presentation when I was young. So, ever since I was a little kid, I always had issues with, you know, being quiet, not fidgeting. I was always, you know, bouncing my legs, looking around, distracted, making noise, a lot of Oh my gosh, my early presentations were caused me a lot of issues because uh I had to sit still in classes for hours. And uh when I was younger, this was a lot more difficult than it is for me now. And one of my early presentations is that I would just make noises. Like, um I don't have I don't And I'm pretty sure I don't have uh anything like Tourette's, but like it's it was very like verbal tics. Like, I would just make these noises just you know, annoying pops and whistles and weird sounds, and I would just make those along with like bouncing my limbs up and down, and you know, how you shake your leg? Like, it was just endless amounts of that. And so, the effect of that was a lot of the times my teachers would relegate me to the corner, like the back corner of the classroom, where I was alone um and wasn't easily distracting others. You know, I'm not too bothered by this, you know, I I still did fine. Um I didn't do well in school up until I think I was in high school. Uh and you know, it it didn't bother me too much, but that's that was what happened is that I was basically put into the corner and left to my own devices. Now, some of the stuff, I'm not sure if it is related to ADHD or if it's just my own personal, well, unique personality. Um I wasn't really a very social person. I would typically spend a lot of my time alone and just reading uh at school. So, you know, obviously, you don't get a lot of friends by not talking to people. So, I did I did have some friends, but I was not like a super popular person. I didn't go out of my way and go talk to a lot of people. And so, like you do kind of get a little bit picked on like because of that. So, I was, you know, picked on a lot as a kid. And thankfully I didn't have too much of an issue. Like I never got any fights or anything because, you know, I'm 6'6" and apparently being tall means that you scare people or that they don't want to fight you. So, I guess I was just big enough that people didn't want to do any fighting or anything. But uh I was teased a lot as a kid and a lot of people just didn't understand why I acted the way I did. And I mean, I didn't even get my official diagnosis until I was in my teens because my parents didn't want me to go get medicated and they didn't want to medicate me as a kid. And really, their goal was, "Hey, if you have this, try and learn some strategies and ways of handling this on your own as you grow up so that you're not reliant on medication as a crutch." And you know whether it works or not it is completely up to the individual's presentation. The presentation of this of this disorder is different in everybody. The severity is different in everybody. Um this happened to work for me in a way because I did did develop a lot of coping mechanisms and strategies to use. And then when I was a teenager, I was given the option of, "Hey, you're old enough to make this decision for yourself. Would you like to try medication?" And I did. And for a time, it did work. And it did have some positive outcomes. So, because of a lot of the issues with my behavior, I did end up in uh anger management in school because I did I do some really stupid and impulsive things and got in trouble. And so, I was sent to anger management. I did end up going to therapy uh at my doctor's office for depression. Um but really, these were just like outcomes of you know, this where it stemmed from was the ADHD that was at that time undiagnosed. Now, things got a little bit better in high school even before I tried the medication simply because I started training, you know, working out. And working out is one of the like really useful things to help with this disorder because working out and this the the eustress, the good stress of your on your body of physical training releases dopamine, you know, that pleasure hormone and because we have a lack of that hormone, it meant that it was actually replacing some of what I lacked. Some people self-medicate with stimulants like caffeine and energy drinks, but working out is actually one of the effective methods of you know, coping with this disorder. So, like I said, I I was off medication to try and join the Marine Corps. It didn't end up happening and I never really restarted. Uh so, we'll see how things go when I when I if I can and when I go back on medication. Now, one really useful thing for me in my life is I did have a job where I was coaching gymnastics for almost a year. I ran at one point the entire like youth boys program right before they started competing up in their competitive levels. And I had several students who had ADHD with and some of them with presentations that were, you know, more severe than mine. Some kid uh I had, really great kid, could not for the life of him keep eye contact and stay focused on a task. And, you know, because I have the exact same condition, I understood exactly how things were, how to work with him, how to still get, you know, an effective lesson and you know, basically get him through the ranks as much as possible. Now, even with medication sometimes you know, there's only so much you can do. But, I remember that the parents of this and at least one of the other students I had that had ADHD were beyond thankful and really happy that I was their coach because I understood exactly what they were going through, exactly how to try and work with them and get them the best that we could with the environment that we had. And it's difficult with like those gymnastics gyms because there's so much stimulation and stimuli going on and around you that it is hard to pay attention if you have this disorder, especially in more severe presentation. So, what is my presentation like? What are the difficulties that I face by having this disorder? It's a long list, so buckle up. Let's talk about like what I actually go through. So, one of the issues I go through is that I have the constant need for mental stimulation to the point where sometimes it's almost painful. I like to use the example of sometimes my girlfriend and I go shopping. We go to Target, she's looking at clothes, I'm there with her. It is almost painful for me to just stand there and just watch her shop. There's just not enough stimulation for me mentally to just be focused on that activity. Uh I have to like pull out my phone and have something else going on. Either, you know, have some ear pods in, listen to music, or, you know, be reading or scrolling. Like, I can you know, some people say that they can't. Uh I can multitask. I can walk in a straight line, know what's in front of me, not run into people, and be looking and actively paying attention to what's on my phone at the same time. Because I just I need, you know, the stimulation of what's in front of me, what's going on around me. I'm looking at my phone. I have all this stimulation coming into my face at once. And I need to be like that all of the time. So, my girlfriend laughs at me because I I literally spend all of my free time learning something. I'm watching a YouTube video, I'm, you know, writing some code or something. I am always trying to be learning something because it's mental candy. It's stimulation. It's always helping me keep my brain, you know, actively stimulated. One thing I struggle a lot with is driving. Yeah, even just driving. Uh because the when you're driving on a long road, a long straight highway, you're driving the same speed, you're driving straight, there's not a lot of stimulation. So, one thing I actually struggle with, even in broad daylight, is if I'm driving on a long, straight road at the same consistent speed, it will actually put me to sleep. Like, I get sleepy and start nodding off at the wheel because of just the the severe lack of stimulation. I can be playing music, and sometimes it's not enough. So, I can't look at my phone because you're driving. So, what do I do? Well, there's not much I can do. I I try to stop, pull over, get out, stretch my legs, like do something. But, to be honest, it's it's a real problem I struggle with. And sometimes, when I had one of my prior jobs, I had to travel all over California. Like, I'd be driving to the Oregon border from like down in Sacramento. It's like an 8-hour drive. Thankfully, a lot of the roads are not straight, but for the ones that are in the highways, it's a real issue. But, when I drive these like back country roads that are like, you know, really large turns, and you're constantly going up and down the mountain, and just around these twists and turns, you know, I am good. Like, I am fine. And I can drive like that all day because you have to pay constant attention to your speed, to the angles, because you're going around these turns and up and down and all over the place, but it's stimulating. So, I can actually stay awake just fine on that type of road. And just to go back to my prior example, when I'm shopping with my girlfriend, it's not that I'm bored. That's what That's what some people might think, and that's what initially she thought is that I'm bored. Like, that she's she bores me when we're shopping, and that I'm just looking at my phone because I don't care. It's not that I don't care. I could be paying absolutely full attention to her and what's going on, listening to everything she tells me, and it's just not enough stimulation. So, I need other input. I'm still getting the full input from everything that she's doing. I just need more. And so, that's what's one common thing that, you know, people get upset by is they think that that that I'm bored, or that they bore me. It has nothing to do with being bored or not. It's just that there's not enough stimulation. And something that she got used to very early on is that uh and that my family tells me sometimes is that sometimes they're talking to me and I'm not even looking at them. Like, no eye contact. And sometimes it's just because there's not enough stimulation in the conversation, my mind will wander, and I can't pay attention to what they're saying. So, I look at other things that are more visually interesting, more stimulating. And I I look around, and I'm looking at other stuff, but I hear every single word. It comes in. But when I look at somebody in the face, sometimes I get too distracted by their their face, their eyes, or whatever, and I miss things that they say to me. Or I because I'm not focusing on the words. I need to really pay a real close attention to the audio input and less to the visual input of who's talking to me. So, sometimes this presentation really you know, weirds people out because they think I might be ignoring them. They think I'm bored. I'm not. I'm trying to give you my full attention. This is how I've managed to do that, and this is what has to happen for you to have my full attention. I just wanted to clarify that so that people don't think that I'm just standing there bored by my girlfriend. I'm not. She She knows that this is how I am. So, we we we get over it. So, one of the trademark behaviors of ADHD is a an issue with self-regulation. I and many others have addictive personalities. And you know, it's run in my family in a certain other way, but I actually have a very addictive personality to things that I either enjoy or very specific things. So, I like to use two specific examples. I have a severe issue with regulating myself when it comes to playing MMORPGs. So, like Runescape, World of Warcraft. I used to play this those games for hours, days. I can't play those games and have a life. It There it's it's black and white. I cannot play them and have a life. Uh because I can't regulate myself. I can't say, "I'm only going to play 3 hours today. Then I'm going to study some homework. Then I'm going to go eat dinner, go work out, go to sleep." I can't do that. It becomes I'm playing World of Warcraft. Oh crap, it's 2:00 a.m. That's my life. And you know, I did have a couple periods in my life where I lost months to these games. So, I can't play them. And the other one I I commonly bring up is I have an issue with food. Like I sometimes cannot control how much food I consume. Um I have an issue with sweets. So, like I have I have a very large sweet tooth. So, I will just Oh, yeah, sure. Uh have some cheesecake. And by the way, you just ate the whole cheesecake in one sitting. Yeah. Like that, but with everything. So, I can't regulate "Hey, I'm only going to have one donut." No, you have the whole box. Oh crap, you feel like later. Uh that's what happens. So, the yeah, I I have severe issues regulating my own behavior. And with the food issue, it's just been it's been a constant struggle. Uh thankfully, I'm tall, so it's really hard for me to like really gain a lot of obvious weight. Um but and thankfully, I did a lot of training, a lot of physical training, so I I kind of don't really show anything very well. And I I'm kind of relatively in shape. But after high school, I went from like 160 lb. Like I was a beanpole. And like right now, I'm like 230. So, I'm a pretty big guy. But yeah, I I can't control how much I eat sometimes. It's a It's really big struggle. I also have an issue with impulsivity. And this is one of the main presentations of this disorder is impulsive behavior and the ability to not regulate your behavior. You You do things without thinking about them. And the way this, you know, presents in me is currently, well, during COVID, my spending habits um I have spent way too much money during this time. Um I think many people have, you know, when you have endless Amazon boxes coming to your house for like craft supplies and whatever. So, recently it's been spending. Spending thankfully is not one of my common impulse issues uh too bad, but it has been lately. But, I do tend to struggle with actually thinking about my actions and the effects of my actions. Um sometimes I talk without thinking about what I'm saying, so I end up hurting people's feelings a lot because I say stupid things without thinking about them first and the impact they might have, or I just, you know, some half-baked uh idea comes out of my head, and because I didn't fully finish thinking about that and phrasing it in a correct or nice way, it comes out very mean or rude, and I hurt people's feelings because I just said something impulsively without actually giving it the full thought and attention it deserved. And that's something I've constantly struggled with in my relationships. Um I also have an issue with writing email because I will just type something out, I won't review it, and I'll just hit send. And sometimes there's spelling mistakes, or I say something in a really rude way, or it's just too abrupt, or I don't provide enough information. Um so, sometimes I actually have to have my girlfriend help me by, you know, reread my email, and she's be like she'd be like, "That sounds really rude, you know?" And I'm like, "It does?" I reread it, and I'm like, "Oh my god, thank god I had her read it." Uh so, just impulsive behavior in general is something I struggle with a lot, too. Sleeping. Thankfully, sometimes I can get a good amount of sleep. Uh I'm not sure if this is related to ADHD or if I have some unrelated like insomnia or something, or if this is just because whatever reason I'm just too hyperfocused on something. But, sometimes I don't sleep much. Like some people are surprised by how little I sleep on a consistent basis. Like, during the weekdays, I might sleep as little as 4 to 5 hours a night. Every night. But, I'm fine. Like, I'm not tired. I wake up refreshed. I'm just the same as every other day, and I'm totally good. I don't need 8 hours. If I sleep that much, usually I get really groggy. Um I can sometimes sleep that much, especially on the weekends, but I don't need a lot of sleep. I really don't. So, commitment is a very big issue. Um not like in the relationship sense. So, I'm sure it is that way for some people, but one issue that we struggle with is commitment to like hobbies or tasks or projects. You start one thing, you put it down, you start five others, you put those down, you start a brand new thing. Oh, Jesus. Now you have all these different projects laying around. Um sticking with something consistently and seeing it through to the end is a very big issue. There was a very funny a post, I think I saw it on Twitter, that uh was talking about this. And it's like you just get really into making smoothies for like 2 weeks. You buy a blender, you got you got all the supplies, all the materials. You are all set up to be making the best smoothies. You make smoothies every single day for three or two or three weeks. And then, after that, you never touch your blender again. Just what the heck? You just spent every day religiously making smoothies for weeks. You bought all the materials, all the supplies, all the tools, all the fruit. You got everything. And then, you're not doing anything. What gives? So, that's That's one of the issues. I have a lot of craft hobbies that I start. Um I bought like recently, I I have a leatherworking business. Thankfully, I've been able to stick with that in a way that lets me actually make use of all the money I've spent on that. And thankfully the business itself pays for that. Uh but I did buy some tools, some Dremel attachments and other things to do some bone carving like right at the beginning of COVID. I still have not used those at all. So yeah, starting things, never actually doing them, never starting them and never finishing them. And doing this rinse and repeat over and over again is a common theme. So one thing I struggle with at work with the hyperfocus is sometimes I might have multiple projects assigned to me and one of them is really interesting, but the other one just got handed to me as a high priority and needs to be done first, but it's the most uninteresting thing I've ever seen. Um it's really, really hard to say, that's the thing that's really interesting. I really want to be working on that. I I will I'll have so much fun working on this and figuring out all that stuff. Oh, now I need to look at this thing. Oh god. What is that? What what's required by that? What are all the pieces that I need to do for this? What are the steps? Oh look at that, it's time for a break. Oh, lunch time. 3 hours later. Still haven't touched the damn thing. So actually doing something you don't want to do that is really uninteresting when you have a bright shiny over there is really, really hard, especially in the work setting when you have multiple things that you need to be working on and one of them is more interesting and appealing than the others. And one official term for a lot of the issues that we have is executive functioning and simply uh either deficit of it or an issue with it. So I'm just going to read off the definition of executive functioning or executive functions. Executive functions are a set of cognitive processes that are necessary for the cognitive control of behavior, selecting and successfully monitoring behaviors that facilitate the attainment of chosen goals. So, if I know that I need to do XYZ to complete the project for that thing, I need to actually follow through with that. But, if it's the most uninteresting thing, then I can't regulate my behavior to work on X and then Y and then Z for the completion of the thing. So, executive functions. But, where executive function also comes up is even the things that you want to do, you still can't do them. And I bring up the example of cooking. Like, it's not just that like I don't want to do it. It's just sometimes the effort of the thing seems so insurmountable that I can't even begin the activity, which is why bless my girlfriend. She has opened up my palate to a variety of new kinds of foods, and we actually cook because we cook together, which is more motivating for me than cooking it by myself. Because if I'm by myself, it's like I have no effort for that. Microwave food it is. No. No. It's I eat so well now because of her. But, um like just cooking, I could not bring myself to make like really in-depth meals. It was even things that you want to do, activities that you enjoy, things that you would hyperfocus on, sometimes just getting into and starting the activity takes so much effort or perceived effort that you can't even start it. Sometimes like I really want to do a new YouTube video on an R package review, but I don't have the like willpower to begin the research on that package to develop a script for the video, which is exactly what happened on the prior video before this one, the to-do R package. What I found that I'll get into this a little bit more later, but like the effective strategy for that that I found was actually streaming my research. Um this is seems to be working for my studying and my research, but like actually streaming it on Twitch to an audience seems to actually help me do the thing. So, but executive function means that even things that you enjoy, things that you would love to do that you would hyperfocus on in an instant if you were actually doing the activity, become very hard to even begin or start because you just don't have the ability to execute the behavior to do the thing. And again, with this the endless hobbies and just new activities in general, one of the issues with ADHD is that we're constantly seeking and doing new things. Why? Because of the novelty aspect. If it's brand new, it's very interesting. It's all new. It's very stimulating. There's a lot to do, a lot to pay attention to, a lot of stuff going on. The new shiny thing captivates our attention more because it's new. It's stimulating. There's a lot more going on. It's completely foreign. You're not used to it. There's no like consistent you know what to expect, you know what's happening. There's no new things, there's no It's It's familiar. And for some, this also happens with relationships or a relationship might just be a good example is that you start a brand new relationship, you are talking 24/7. Text endless texts, meeting up, trying to learn the other person in and out versus a stable and consistent relationship where you actually know the person very well and there's not always a lot of brand new things about that person that come up. Um I mean, it's not like my relationship struggled because like oh, you're boring now. I don't like you. I don't want to be with No, it was never like that. But it's just that that's like an example of, you know, brand new shiny thing. So, depending on how you use it and how you view it, hyperfocus in ADHD can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it's really really useful to be really effective at work if you can just be allowed to grind on a project and finish it. You can I finish stuff in a few hours or in a day that other people might take a week on. Like sometimes it really helps me out to have the ability to hyperfocus on something if I find it interesting. On the other hand, sometimes it's really hard to do things that you don't enjoy because you are so very uninterested in them that you can't hyperfocus on them. When I hyperfocus at work, it before I met my girlfriend, it was it looked like this. Oh, I get an interesting project. I'm really fascinated by it. I'm going to work on it and I work on it for 8 to 9 hours straight without a break, without a lunch, without eating, without going anywhere except working on this project. Yeah. Thankfully, now I actually I actually work with my girlfriend. That's how we met. So, commonly, well, I just get her wanting to go on a break. Let's go on a walk. Let's go eat lunch together. So, I actually get my regular intervals now. Um sometimes it's difficult because I'm just like, I'm really in the middle of something and I need to work on it. So, she's she's really understanding where sometimes I just need another hour. I come to a stopping place where I can actually pull myself away and then we, you know, go and take that break or that lunch. Um so, thanks to her, I actually have the ability to regulate that a little bit better. So, I actually get my breaks now. One thing that I hate, that I struggle with, is reading. I love to read. I love reading books. I love reading things on the internet, but primarily books. I love to read books. And I have a library of my own books and I worked at a bookstore for like almost I think I almost a year. I love to read, but I struggle with it. Usually when I'm here at my own house, I can't read. Ever. I'm constantly pulled into my computer. There's so much more interesting stuff to do on here, but even if I manage to just put everything away and focus on my book, there's too much stimulation around. Even if I can sit down and read, the cats might be running around making noise or the fridge might make a noise or my girlfriend says something to me or she's watching something on TV or doing her own activity and just the fact that there are these things around auditory, visual, whatever. Even if I'm wearing my Bose headphones with noise cancellation, still my eyes might get pulled into something. I struggle with reading at home so much. The one place where I can actually spend a good amount of time reading is my family's cabin. I made a video about my like cabin trip. I can put a card up there. Um but when I'm up there, there's nothing. It's just the sounds of the forest and nobody talking to me. Without anybody around, just by myself with a book, I can probably go through a book a day depending on how complex it is. If it's just like a a young adult fiction book like if I'm reading I'm on a five-year project to reread all the fiction I read growing up. Sometimes I can finish two or three of those books in a day. Some It's like an actual like adult book. Like I led I read a um I think it was like like 260 to 70 pages of an academic like publication on the Roman culture by Dr. Carlin Barton, I think it was. Ro- Roman Honor: The Fire in the Bones. It was actually a really interesting book. Anyways, uh I read that book in a single sit-down. One day, I sat down in the morning. By the end of that that evening, I had finished that book in one day. That's like how because I can hyperfocus on the book. Granted I had to find the book interesting, but without all that other stimulation in the modern world, cell phones, computers, people, you know, the cats running around, like I can actually focus when I'm up there and actually read. And it really upsets me because I love to read. I can read on the internet. I can read articles sometimes, but reading hardcopy books, as much as I love it, I struggle with it so much down here in the modern world. When I'm up in the up in the forest, I can read much easier. So, one common thing that people notice about people with ADHD is that we are fidgeting a lot. We're moving around a lot. If you watch any of my videos, sometimes you might see me constantly like my eye contact isn't great. I can't just stay looking at the camera the whole time, staring into your soul. Like I I will be looking at over here. I'll be moving around. My arms move. My hands move. I The whole time like you can't see it. Right here. Actually, I'll just move you. But, you can see it like there's this like little like mat I have here with my computer. The whole time I'm talking, I'm like doing this. You know, put it right there like whatever, you know, fidgeting. Like you fidget. It's what we do. And so, this is what people typically will notice is that where the Oh, that one kid that can't sit still back there? I bet that I know what they have. ADHD. Yeah, we probably do because I have to constantly fidget and move myself because I have just I can't sit still. And so, this is one of the presentations I've had since I was a really young kid is that I would constantly bounce my leg or I'm always moving or I'm always fidgeting with something my hands. Um I actually have it right here, but one of the common things that people are are getting nowadays for ADHD is like one of these like little fidget cube things with like, you know, your little little spinny, clicky buttons, little shifts. Like one of these cubes, really great thing to give a kid with ADHD. Let them just do this. I can pay attention. I can look at you. I can listen. I can focus a little bit better because I'm doing something. And it's probably a lot less distracting than you know, hitting on your desk or making a noise like I did when I was a kid because you can't sit still. And one of the downsides of this fidgeting behavior that I have, I'm not sure if this is a common thing for other people, but I struggle with a couple things with my fidgeting. I have an issue where I don't even know I am doing these things. I don't even know I have this behavior. I'm not sure this this might be like some obsessive-compulsive thing if I even have that or a presentation of that, I don't know. But, I'm just going to say it's probably related to uh fidgeting and ADHD. But, I bite my nails. Not just like, "Oh, yeah, bite a little bit, you know, trim it down." No, I bite my nails until they bleed. Like, I can't help it. Uh we've tried everything. I've tried actively ignoring it. I've tried uh my parents tried putting hot sauce on my fingers because I I have I'm white. I can't handle spicy food. Some of you can, maybe maybe it's just me. Anyways, I can't stop biting my nails. It's bad. Like, there's there's nothing there. And I will bite them until they bleed. I don't even know I'm doing it half the time. It's just like, "Uh yeah, okay, bite bite bite." And "Ow!" And I'm bleeding. I can't help it. I don't even know I'm doing it most of the time. The other issue I have that, weirdly enough, my boss at the time, who also had ADHD, is the one that like didn't understand and got me in trouble for this before she realized that you can't do that in our line of work and gets on somebody for their disability or um condition, or whatever you want to call it. Um I compulsively crack my knuckles. I don't even know I'm doing it. I will crack all the joints in my body, and I a lot of times don't even know I'm doing it. I'll just be sitting there and just you know, whatever. I don't know I'm doing it. It just happens. And I do this nonstop. 100% of the time, I am always attempting, even if I can't do it, I I'm attempting to crack my joints, and I do this all the time. And a lot of time, I don't even know I'm doing it. It just happens. I notice this specifically with my girlfriend because it's come up before as an issue is that sometimes I will be doing a task. It's not like something that you're, you know, hyperfocused on, or that it's interesting, but just like I might be, I don't know, I'm do I'm folding laundry right now, and my mind is I'm on I'm on laundry. I'm folding laundry right now. It's a task that is encompassing enough that it has my focus enough to just get the job done. Often I can't even do my laundry because I can't focus on that long enough. But in any case, um she might do something where she asks me, "So, what do you want for dinner tonight?" That's a common one. "What do you want for dinner tonight?" That's not a simple question for me because I actually have to think about that because I can't It can't just be Bro- Brian's easy meals that require no effort because I can't because of my executive function issues where I can't I can't "Well, let's cook this thing with this ingredient and that spice." And that sounds good. What do you think about that? No, okay. How about this? I can't do that at the same time as I'm doing laundry. I have to do one thing, finish it. I have to completely finish the task and then I can talk about this other thing. Thankfully, I think she's starting to like understand a little bit more about how it's not as simple as "Oh, okay. Yeah, let's talk about that real quick. Okay, back to what I was doing." Or "Oh, talk about it at the same time as I'm doing it." I can't do that. Sometimes I can. Rarely. But almost the time it's like I have to finish the thing. I have to If I am walking to go put my keys down somewhere specific because I have a place for everything and everything has its place. If I'm going to go put my keys in that place, I have to finish that task before I can think about something else like what we're having for dinner tonight. It's weird, but that's how it is. I I have to I have to finish the thing. It's like a one-track mind. Uh I can I can sometimes have multiple things going on, you know, I can walk, I can look at my phone, I can listen to somebody talking. I can do these things all at once sometimes. But sometimes when you're doing a task or you're in that that trench of activity, you have to go and walk all the way out of it before you can switch over to some new track. Sometimes it's like that. Going back to reading, one other thing that I have an issue with with when I can actually read something is that with ADHD sometimes even just tracking my eyes across the text because when you read naturally your eyes bounce upwards over words. This is actually something that like they teach you this when you speed read because I was learning to speed read for a little while. I'll come to that in a second. But when you read naturally your eyes actually bounce over the words. With ADHD or at least maybe just me, I notice that when I read sometimes I bounce it bounce and I'm over there. Like my eyes will wander because it's not fast enough input to me. So one thing I did is you know when I speed when I did some speed reading it was actually easy for me to to actually read because you have a little guide so you run it across underneath the word so you you track the guide but you're absorbing the words and it's faster so it's more input so it's actually like easier for me to read sometimes when you're speed reading. But when you're dealing with highly technical material or you're trying to learn a brand new subject it doesn't really work too well at least not for me. So when I'm reading fiction sometimes that will work as a great strategy to read a fiction and I love reading fiction so. So yeah, reading can be difficult like that especially with long form reading because my eyes wander and then I don't capture all the text even if I jump back to where I was or shortly around there I lose my place. I don't remember the content because my my eyes therefore my mind wandered. So sometimes it's very very difficult to read. One other symptom of ADHD is poor working memory or short-term memory. We actually have issues with short-term memory. We're not just "Ah, I'm forgetful." No, I actually have issues remembering things. And thankfully I I don't forget too much too badly anymore. Uh I used to have a bigger problem with this when I was younger. I think it's gotten better as an adult but yeah, poor working memory or short-term memory. And with that comes sometimes the frustration that you can't remember something and because of emotional dysregulation with ADHD we get frustrated very easily. Like, I'm not like always constantly frustrated, but sometimes when I'm dealing with something that might be a little frustrating sometimes it can boil over a lot easier and a lot faster than other people. And that comes from emotional dysregulation. Something that like it wasn't really prevalent in my mind as I thought about it, but when I started doing more research for this video sort of popping up and I'm started like, oh yeah, yeah, that is a thing is um sensory regulation. And what you can think of like this is if you have like a a tag on your clothes, like you know like the tag in the back of your t-shirts or something that like rubs against you or if you have sand on your feet cuz you're walking on the beach those sensations are so annoying to me that it encompasses all of my thoughts. I will go and I will go and run and grab a pair of scissors and cut off that tag. I hate having my hands dirty. Like, I can go and do work outside. I can get my hands dirty, but I hate having them dirty. Having sand on my feet is one of the most annoying things to me. I hate having sand on my feet. And it's this like it's sensory regulation. You you're you have an issue with regulating that sensory input and like for me, I just can't stand those things. I I can't stand them. So, that was a lot of stuff of what are the struggles, what are the difficulties of actually having this. That Those are the things that I go through every day, all day. That is my life. That is my normal. And it's a lot when you really list it all out. Like, I I like to I I thought about it before. It's just like yeah, I got kind of have a couple issues every now and then. I struggle with some stuff. When I listed all this out for this video, I realized, oh my god so much of my life is just not normal or in this case neurotypical. No one's normal, but like I have such a different way of doing things than other people because of how like invasive this is into like all the facets of my life. So, on the other side of the coin, what are some good things about this or ways that I have of working with this for my own benefit because I mean this isn't going anywhere. You can take treatment for it, but I'm not going to be cured of ADHD. So, what what are some ways that I cope, deal with it, and have found effective strategies to be a productive and uh more yeah, productive person. So, one of the benefits of my profession is that I get to work with code and software. And for me, that's a really really great place to be because with the the fact that there's always so much more to do with it, there's always more to learn, there's always new languages, there's always new things coming out. It It's just It's a never-ending stream of things that you're always having to learn. So, because it's constantly stimulating, there's always more to think about and to conceptualize and code to write, logic to think about that I really love my work and it's really makes it easy for me to hyperfocus on it and really get some good work in that field done. And it's just something that I enjoy a lot, so it's really easy for me to be productive at work uh because I get to do something that I love. I get to write and read and understand code. So, besides having a job that is basically geared for me specifically, um that helps me be productive because it's just something that I'm naturally just drawn to. Uh the other thing that is really helpful to me to help to get things done and just keep track of myself is just making lists, just constantly making lists. I have a whole video on my GTD get things done system, which is my comprehensive way of capturing every idea you know, have an idea capture a space to collect everything and then process it and put it where it needs to go, prioritize, structure it, due dates, categories, tags, whatever. And I do all of that stuff, and I have a whole system for that. And I made a video about it, and I can link it up there, wherever. And beyond that system, sometimes it's just easier to just make a list. I get a post-it note, I make a couple little items there, and I just check check check check done. And sometimes that's just the quick and dirty way of just making sure I get stuff done on a Sunday morning, or whatever. It could be laundry, take out the trash, whatever. Uh quick and easy thing, sometimes it's just make a list and then get it done instead of having to input it into software. It depends. One of the most invaluable purchases I made in the last 2 years was my Bose noise-canceling headphones. Without a doubt, one of the best purchases I've ever made in my life, and I regret not making it sooner. Getting noise-canceling headphones was a game-changer. I no longer have distracting audio input, it's just silence and my focus. Sure, I can be distracted visually, but it's one less sense that can easily snag my attention away from what I'm doing if I'm in a distractible state versus a hyperfocus state. And coupled with that is using those headphones to listen to music so that I'm just completely in my own little world. And with that music, if I'm actually focusing on something, reading or really thinking about logic and code or something, I find it really advantageous to listen to music that does not have any lyrics. So, sometimes I'll listen to like instrumental folk music, um classical music, stuff like that, and things that just lack lyrics. Because without the talking and just the instrumentals, it kind of blends into the background like white noise, and it makes it a lot easier to focus because you just have that input of that noise, and you can tune it out in a way, whereas human speech and lyrics it might be a little bit more difficult to tune out. I said before that one of the most helpful things is also exercising because the exercise can actually produce dopamine, and that's one of the neurotransmitters that is in short supply and has issues metabolizing for us. And exercising is something that I used to do all the time. Uh I don't I'm not as good about it now as I should be uh because I'm just so in engrossed in the field of, you know, technology and data science and all this other stuff that I'm and I kind of neglect it a little bit more than I should, but exercise is one of the most helpful things because it does have that dopamine release, and it's an action that we can take. So, it's it's it involves your mental faculties because you're engaged, but it also helps produce that neurotransmitter. And with that, there's also the medication and stimulants we also use to help cope with some of these um the the lack of uh dopamine and the mental or the neurological transmitters is the caffeine, stimulants like energy drinks, uh coffee, tea, whatever, whatever you might have, and then actual stimulant medication. And what's interesting and funny about ADHD medication is that they are legitimate stimulants. Like they are controlled substances. You can't just go to a doctor's office and get a prescription for them, even if you have a diagnosis. You can't just walk in and be like, "I want meds, please." They will actually have to re-evaluate you. You have to get a specific prescription, and then it's like I think it's a level four controlled substance. If you're not in the US, um it's like one step down. It's like a highly controlled medication because it's basically like speed, cocaine, meth, I don't know. It's it's an amphetamine, basically. It's it's a high-level stimulant. And what it does to us is that it speeds up your your brain and provides, you know, these uh neurotransmitters that we're lacking and stimulates you. But because what's what we lack, it basically normalizes us because we have a deficiency in something, and it's providing that as a stimulant. Whereas somebody else, if some, you know, neurotypical person took, you know, Adderall, which is apparently a thing that people in college do, um you're wired, and you are you're going. Whereas for us, it's just it normalizes us and makes us, you know, at at a baseline where we should be, I guess. One helpful strategy that helps me be a little bit more productive in a lot of ways is favoring command line applications over GUI applications. Uh because the GUI options have more clicking to do, it's more visual, it's more visually appealing, uh it's more distracting, and it has more things that I I might pay attention to than just some text on a terminal screen. So, when I favor command line applications, it actually helps me stay focused and be more productive because I'm not distracted by a bunch of these like shiny GUI options. It's just there's my text on the screen. I can move it down with, you know, vim keys and select files, move stuff, and do whatever. It's It's much easier for me to be more productive with GUI app with uh CLI applications than it is with GUI applications. I mentioned how how earlier that these fidget toys, like this cube, are incredibly helpful for, you know, fidgeting and taking care of that aspect of things so that you can actually put your mental faculties somewhere else. Uh it's really useful to have these types of fidget toys because even without them, I still fidget with all kinds of things. All Like you saw me mess with the mat that my laptop's on. Um I'll be moving around, shaking my leg, and oh my gosh, my poor PopSocket. I've just all day just doing this, messing with this damn thing. It's It's a wonder I don't break more of these. With my presentation of ADHD, I don't really have issues with forgetting a lot of stuff, but it's it's a a strategy that I developed. It's not like naturally I don't forget anything. It's that I've I live my life in a way where I don't give myself the opportunity to forget a lot of things because I ruthlessly stick to habits, routines, and patterns, and sometimes others, uh my girlfriend, find it very annoying uh that I am this way, but it makes it so that I never forget or lose anything. I have a place for everything, and I put everything in its place. I have a specific place where I will always put my keys and my wallet and my ID card for work. They always go there. If I'm about to put them down somewhere, no, I don't do that. I put it in its place every single time without fail. I don't leave stuff around. I don't just place it randomly. If I'm going to put something down, I automatically expend the extra effort to put it in its designated place, and that is where I will always put it and where I always expect it to be. And I'm basically that way about at least the most important things. And so, I never really lose anything. Um I also have specific ways or like patterns of behavior. So, like if I will go and fill my pockets with all my stuff, keys, wallet, phone, whatever, ID, and then I will grab my little, you know, little spoon thing you use to help put your heel in your shoe, and I'll go and sit down and put on my shoes. After that, I'll go and fill up my water bottle, get my bags, put everything on, go out to my car, go to work, and like that's that's my morning routine, my pattern. Now, if something weird happened, like oh my gosh, the the cat threw up on the floor and I have to go pick that up, but then something else happened over there and I have to go take care of this, because that breaks my pattern and my routine, I might actually forget something that morning. I might actually forget my ID. Or for some critical papers I needed for a meeting or something. Like if you break that routine, I'm more likely to forget things, but the more I can stick to it, the closer I can stick to it, the less likely anything weird or unexpected occurs, because I'm I'm following the exact same consistent pattern in every single way. And in that way, because it's the same pattern, it's kind of like going on autopilot for a lot of the time, because you don't have to worry about all these weird variables or stimuli because it's the same thing every time. That this is a little bit different than like the the stimulation, like I said earlier about driving and staying awake, but it's more about how I don't want to forget anything and I need to do stuff in a consistent manner so that I do not forget stuff. So, it's it's always a balancing act between, you know, I needing stimulation to stay awake on the road versus following the same consistent pattern. Thankfully, my commute is very short, so I don't really have an issue with that too much. But, yes. I'm not really sure if this is related to ADHD or not or if this is just one of my quirks, but one thing I like to do or that I just do innately is that because I put everything in its place and I'm always like I have to go over here to drop that off and then into its place. I have to take this over there. And however I work out the these things, one thing that I do just instinctively is that I will map my route through the house. So, if I need to go like my it's like my kitchen, my living room, the bedroom is around the hall in the back and it curves around. So, if I need to go to the kitchen for something, the living room for something, and then back to my bedroom after all of that, I will hit it in a specific way where I will go to the farthest place, then the next, then the closest. And so, I'll go, "Okay, kitchen, then living room, then back to bedroom." And so, it's a straight line. And I instinctively will just plan out all of my routes for all of the things in my mental checklist. I need to drop this off here, pick that up, do that, change this. And I will plan out my route for the most efficient amount of movement to go through the house or wherever. Basically, I apply this to anything, anytime, anywhere. I'm always doing this like route planning and minimizing how much movement and effort I need to do for something. And it's just something that I do innately. I don't really actively think about it too much. It's just always like a process that's running. Kind of like a process in the background of your computer. It's just always going. So, I'm always planning my routes like that. I'm not sure if that's ADHD or if that's just something weird that I do. Now, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend does not have ADHD like me, but we both happen to really dislike surprises. I like structured planning. I like to know what time I need to be there so I could be early. I like to know what's going to go on and just not have any unexpected stuff happen and I like to be prepared. I'm not Again, I'm not sure if that's even related to um the disorder or not, but I just I don't like to be surprised by things. I like to know what to expect so that I can plan accordingly for it, have my checklist, be prepared, have it all lined up so I bring everything I need to bring and it's just how I like to do things. I do not like surprises. So in conclusion, ADHD is kind of one of those interesting things because people really don't think it affects people very much because it's an invisible disorder. Like you don't really see too much of the the presentation of it and it's kind of difficult to really like empathize with people who have it because it does affect our lives so deeply. I feel really fortunate that I don't think I have a presentation that's too debilitating of this. I feel like I still function pretty well and I'm not sure if it's just because my my case of this is so minimal or if I just developed effective strategies early on and that's just how helped a lot. I don't know. I don't know why, but I feel really fortunate that I have a presentation that's not really debilitating for me and I wouldn't honestly, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I feel like that having the the disorder does help me out in so many areas of my life that I really like that I can hyperfocus on things that I'm interested in. I mean, there are certainly challenges, but who doesn't face challenges in life? I think it's a very useful tool for me. It is a double-edged sword, but I still got a sword. So this channel isn't really a place where I'm going to be like talking about this a lot. This is just like I actually had somebody ask me if I made a video about this because I have people ask me for advice about the disorder because they discovered they have it and I'm not super quiet about that I have it. I just don't really talk about it much. So they asked me if I could make a video about it and here it is. Now I have a one-stop shop video for all of this stuff and there are a lot of really great other YouTube channels that talk specifically about this disorder at length. Um I'm going to have several other links to other YouTube videos. The channels that have those videos are really great places I like to watch. Uh just to see what other people do, what they what they go through, and what what not. And all this all these resources, links, timestamps, everything will be in the pinned comment below. So, thank you for watching. If you stuck around for the whole video, holy crap, you have endurance and probably not ADHD. And uh thanks for watching. And before I go, quick shout-out to the patrons. Thank you, Devin, Alberto, and Klaus for supporting the channel. I'll catch you guys in the next one.